Are there God? Its me Martha.

Prayer is a muthafucka.

You see, the thing people don't understand about prayer is you are asking ASKING, its not a damn wish list or anything. Even the English word backs me up on this. Congratulations, Blogger Guy, you just used Funk & Wagnalls to win an argument.

But seriously. What is prayer. I don't really know. But to me, prayer is the humble submission of my will for a greater Will. Its asking for something to be done, but by asking you release your control over the situation. See, we Christians get it wrong. We make God into this big fucking Santa Clause that delivers in 30 minutes or less. Its more than that. People don't understand the power of asking. When you pray you submit to your will for a greater Will. Follow me here.

You see, people often say "I want X, but your will be done God" and then when it doesn't happen they get all riled up and say that their faith let them down. Or even worse they get all uppity about The God That Failed. That's not it man, you just don't understand. See, prayer has more in common with Zen than it does with wishing. Prayer is about realizing that you have very little control in the world and when you ask God for something you are acknowledging that you cannot do it on your own. Your fiat is comprised of limitations, my friend. Prayer is about realizing that some things happen and some things don't. Its ok to want a specific thing to happen, but its better to realize that it MAY NOT happen. Prayer has an inverse effect in this way, by realizing that it may not happen you free yourself from the burden of trying to force something that cannot be. Prayer is about freedom, not taking on new things or getting things to happen. Its about understanding your role in the universe, hoping that certain things will happen, and if they do then acknowledging the very little role you had in producing them. And if they don't happen, acknowledging the very little role you had in producing them. Prayer is a submission of your will to a higher Will.

At the moment I am praying harder than I ever have. I am fasting from 11 am to 4 pm every day. It may not sound as bad--lots of people skip lunch--but no snacking and no weekend food is difficult. I've been doing it since Dec. 4th when I knew that shit was messing up w/ The Girl. Thats nearly 90 Days. I'm dying here. I've lost so much weight (I'm nearly 139lbs) and I've no energy. On top of that I pray the rosary 2 times a day, a St. Jude Novena daily, and other random things from time to time. I don't disclose to brag, in fact most of the ppl who read this prolly are feeling the opposite of impressed, but to show that at the moment, I'm doing all that I can to fuckin' submit right now. My entire life is out of my hands, and that worries me. I just want it to be the right hands.

But you see, through prayer I feel like I have reached this place where I know what I can and cannot do. I cannot make my world what I wish it to be. But perhaps my wish isn't what is best for me. Prayer is a submission of your will to a higher Will.


And that, my friends, is a muthafucka.