So yeah...

I trust you, one day we will get to theology. Its been a The Girl heavy week. Primarily because I have a big decision that I can't make coming up next week. The big decision, you ask? Well, you prolly didn't ask, but what the hell. For the last two years I wanted to study with this one person in Belgium, Lieven Boeve, he's the top scholar in my field. You study with him, you're made. And I could be made. But... Well, lets just say life got in the way.

I got accepted while I was in Chicago, with The Girl, in a hotel room. It was amazing. I made it. My dream that I had carried on my back since 19 years young had finally been achieved. But; I saw her face. that was it, and I knew. I couldn't leave this woman. I just couldn't. When we started dating, I thought to myself: "Self: she's the exact same age as your last, you know what happened. She went all existential on you and left your sorry ass just as you were thinking she was it."

So I was cautious with The Girl. She couldn't get to me. Her minor peculiarities intrigued me but I also used them to keep her at bay. I loved her but I tried to be wary of the 'crisis' impending. When I saw that face when I told her I got accepted to Belgium, I knew. I knew that I never kept her at bay, that she was me and I was her. It was there that I knew that I couldn't leave her without being forced to do so. Thus, I said that I "couldn't get a Visa in time" (a bit of a stretch, Belgium, after all, is not China and I got a Visa to China within two weeks. Whatever.) and had to defer so I could be with her. I didn't tell her this, but I knew. I also knew that it gave me time to check out other schools, which is what I was doing while I was waiting on the word from Belgium (I know the time thing is tricky here so let me refresh: I was in Chicago, while I was there I was looking at other schools assuming that I wouldn't get into Belgium which had delayed my acceptance for lots of strange occurrences, so while I was checking out Chicago schools I got accepted to Belgium. There, caught up?). I found a great school in Chi-town, Loyola, that basically had all that I wanted except Lieven and the prestige that followed. Can you guess what I'm waiting on now?

Loyola said that their decision would be made late Feb and that I'd know either later Feb or early March, and I'm waiting. This decision is killing me. Its literally the decider between a life without The Girl or the possibility of life with her. If I go to Loyola, I'm not sure that we'll be back together. I know that things are too fickle for that, but it gives me an in. And all I need is an in. I love her, I'll get her, and if I don't then something greater will come along. But I cannot do life without trying. If I go to Belgium, I'll be happy. Life will be sweet. Nectar will rush from my nipples. But, I need The Girl.

Have you ever done something purely for the hope of Love? Not love, but Love? The grand ideal. This is my pure push into faith, hope and love. This woman guides my sun. She brings across the stars of my universe. How could I NOT give Chicago the chance? Now, if it doesn't work out, I'll have a great life with Chicago. I know Loyola is a great school and that I can become something in Chi-town. But I know even more than that, any greater success I get from Belgium outside of The Girl will be haunted with a great What If.

Now, all I need is Loyola to tell me that I can study at their institution. I'm dyslexic. My grades are good but flawed b/c of it (Science and Lang's in undergrad bring me down, as well as my GRE scores). You put me in an interview and I'd kill. On paper, less so. I need God to help me here. I've been praying, fasting, loving and hoping. Lets see if its meant to be. I hope she knows how hard all of this has been for me.

The Girl isn't all that matters, but she's a huge chunk.