Sent this for Valentine's Day via hand written snail mail. Thought it was appropriate to post. Unsure why. Never got an acknowledgment from her but really, how does one acknowledge such things?
Happy Valentine’s Day The Girl,
While I wish I was there to see you and explore Chicago I understand that all things happen when they need to happen. However, I also know that there is no need for a holiday to express my appreciation for having you in my life. Others need days like this to comprehend the significance of those around them but I do not. You are a great woman, The Girl, and have given me immeasurable moments of happiness, joy, and love. You have made my life a charmed life and for that I cannot thank you enough. Our love is unique and is beholden to a robust, mysterious expression of emotions and affections that we have set out to explore. It is an adventure, and I there is only one person I want with me on this journey.
You.
In hope and love,
My Name
P.S.-I miss pouncing on Saturday mornings. Thanks for putting up with that.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
So God...
What about him?
Thats the problem. Its a fucking him. I hate that. I'm a man and I don't even want a man god. I want a GOD. The problem with Christianity is that we've coopted some bad habits from the Greeks. Our God is technically YHWH. Thats Yahweh to to the uninitiated. The term in and of itself means "to be" and thats our God. God is existence. God is the "is" inside of all verbs, and you can't 'verb' if you don't exist (hence the 'is').
See, Moses was asking for God's name at the burning bush because well, thats what we do. We ask for names. Names are powerful. If I used real names here ppl would be like "I KNOW THAT PERSON!" and then boom, an entirely new context. Thats why The Girl, is The Girl and not Jenna (fooled ya ;-). Back to God. See, Moses wanted God's name so that the Hebrews would know that he was truly sent by God. In short, Moses wanted a name, a concept, and a conjuring ability to 'channel' God (you see this later on with him hitting the rock instead of politely asking for water to spring forth. He wants to conjure. Why? B/c when you conjure, who holds the power, you or God?).
God gives him a verb. God gives him a real understanding of what it means to be God. God gives him existence. God is the 'Is.' My God is the big B, the thing unto which all other things be. That doesn't make God Pantheistic. God isn't 'everything' as much as God is the 'to be' unwhich all things be. God creates things unto themselves (this is why there is free will as opposed to us being puppets to God's will). Its panENthic.
Now, if only I knew what this grand existence meant for my life. I just want to know. Beer, you're not helping.
What about him?
Thats the problem. Its a fucking him. I hate that. I'm a man and I don't even want a man god. I want a GOD. The problem with Christianity is that we've coopted some bad habits from the Greeks. Our God is technically YHWH. Thats Yahweh to to the uninitiated. The term in and of itself means "to be" and thats our God. God is existence. God is the "is" inside of all verbs, and you can't 'verb' if you don't exist (hence the 'is').
See, Moses was asking for God's name at the burning bush because well, thats what we do. We ask for names. Names are powerful. If I used real names here ppl would be like "I KNOW THAT PERSON!" and then boom, an entirely new context. Thats why The Girl, is The Girl and not Jenna (fooled ya ;-). Back to God. See, Moses wanted God's name so that the Hebrews would know that he was truly sent by God. In short, Moses wanted a name, a concept, and a conjuring ability to 'channel' God (you see this later on with him hitting the rock instead of politely asking for water to spring forth. He wants to conjure. Why? B/c when you conjure, who holds the power, you or God?).
God gives him a verb. God gives him a real understanding of what it means to be God. God gives him existence. God is the 'Is.' My God is the big B, the thing unto which all other things be. That doesn't make God Pantheistic. God isn't 'everything' as much as God is the 'to be' unwhich all things be. God creates things unto themselves (this is why there is free will as opposed to us being puppets to God's will). Its panENthic.
Now, if only I knew what this grand existence meant for my life. I just want to know. Beer, you're not helping.
A letter to a friend on Facebook
The names have been changed to protect the innocent:
Courtney,
I've been thinking about you. You and I have an odd relationship. We started dating and my shit with Myra, and your shit with Brad (Brad, right?) got in the way. It happens. So we became something else altogehter. Not sure what it was or what it is and what it will be. But I wanted you to know that you really helped me get beyond lots of things in my life. I remember when we were at a mixer at Spanky's and we were dancing together. Life felt so simple at that time, I hoisted you up and twirled you. All I cared about was that I was too drunk to make you land on your own two feet! Its what I think of when I think of you.
Its odd for me to send that memory to you, but it reminds me of a time when hope was abundant and we could do anything. There are few moments in our lives when life feels so right and so simple. We complicate things. We change things. Life moves on. I'm not sure what trajectory you have with yours and I know that your illness is debilitating. I hate that for you, it stymies your happiness and it kills me to see such a great person feel so much pain. I wish that I could alleviate it, but I no longer have that hope. I'm not a superman, nor a doctor, and I cannot. But do know, that there was a time when I genuinely loved you. Not romantic love, not friendship love, but Love. And that time began at Telula's and continues to this day. You're a great person. I'm glad to have you in my life. Even if we meet all too briefly.
Anyways, I was thinking of you and wanted you to know. Be well, smile. And most of all, know that there is always someone thinking of you.
Courtney,
I've been thinking about you. You and I have an odd relationship. We started dating and my shit with Myra, and your shit with Brad (Brad, right?) got in the way. It happens. So we became something else altogehter. Not sure what it was or what it is and what it will be. But I wanted you to know that you really helped me get beyond lots of things in my life. I remember when we were at a mixer at Spanky's and we were dancing together. Life felt so simple at that time, I hoisted you up and twirled you. All I cared about was that I was too drunk to make you land on your own two feet! Its what I think of when I think of you.
Its odd for me to send that memory to you, but it reminds me of a time when hope was abundant and we could do anything. There are few moments in our lives when life feels so right and so simple. We complicate things. We change things. Life moves on. I'm not sure what trajectory you have with yours and I know that your illness is debilitating. I hate that for you, it stymies your happiness and it kills me to see such a great person feel so much pain. I wish that I could alleviate it, but I no longer have that hope. I'm not a superman, nor a doctor, and I cannot. But do know, that there was a time when I genuinely loved you. Not romantic love, not friendship love, but Love. And that time began at Telula's and continues to this day. You're a great person. I'm glad to have you in my life. Even if we meet all too briefly.
Anyways, I was thinking of you and wanted you to know. Be well, smile. And most of all, know that there is always someone thinking of you.
So yeah...
I trust you, one day we will get to theology. Its been a The Girl heavy week. Primarily because I have a big decision that I can't make coming up next week. The big decision, you ask? Well, you prolly didn't ask, but what the hell. For the last two years I wanted to study with this one person in Belgium, Lieven Boeve, he's the top scholar in my field. You study with him, you're made. And I could be made. But... Well, lets just say life got in the way.
I got accepted while I was in Chicago, with The Girl, in a hotel room. It was amazing. I made it. My dream that I had carried on my back since 19 years young had finally been achieved. But; I saw her face. that was it, and I knew. I couldn't leave this woman. I just couldn't. When we started dating, I thought to myself: "Self: she's the exact same age as your last, you know what happened. She went all existential on you and left your sorry ass just as you were thinking she was it."
So I was cautious with The Girl. She couldn't get to me. Her minor peculiarities intrigued me but I also used them to keep her at bay. I loved her but I tried to be wary of the 'crisis' impending. When I saw that face when I told her I got accepted to Belgium, I knew. I knew that I never kept her at bay, that she was me and I was her. It was there that I knew that I couldn't leave her without being forced to do so. Thus, I said that I "couldn't get a Visa in time" (a bit of a stretch, Belgium, after all, is not China and I got a Visa to China within two weeks. Whatever.) and had to defer so I could be with her. I didn't tell her this, but I knew. I also knew that it gave me time to check out other schools, which is what I was doing while I was waiting on the word from Belgium (I know the time thing is tricky here so let me refresh: I was in Chicago, while I was there I was looking at other schools assuming that I wouldn't get into Belgium which had delayed my acceptance for lots of strange occurrences, so while I was checking out Chicago schools I got accepted to Belgium. There, caught up?). I found a great school in Chi-town, Loyola, that basically had all that I wanted except Lieven and the prestige that followed. Can you guess what I'm waiting on now?
Loyola said that their decision would be made late Feb and that I'd know either later Feb or early March, and I'm waiting. This decision is killing me. Its literally the decider between a life without The Girl or the possibility of life with her. If I go to Loyola, I'm not sure that we'll be back together. I know that things are too fickle for that, but it gives me an in. And all I need is an in. I love her, I'll get her, and if I don't then something greater will come along. But I cannot do life without trying. If I go to Belgium, I'll be happy. Life will be sweet. Nectar will rush from my nipples. But, I need The Girl.
Have you ever done something purely for the hope of Love? Not love, but Love? The grand ideal. This is my pure push into faith, hope and love. This woman guides my sun. She brings across the stars of my universe. How could I NOT give Chicago the chance? Now, if it doesn't work out, I'll have a great life with Chicago. I know Loyola is a great school and that I can become something in Chi-town. But I know even more than that, any greater success I get from Belgium outside of The Girl will be haunted with a great What If.
Now, all I need is Loyola to tell me that I can study at their institution. I'm dyslexic. My grades are good but flawed b/c of it (Science and Lang's in undergrad bring me down, as well as my GRE scores). You put me in an interview and I'd kill. On paper, less so. I need God to help me here. I've been praying, fasting, loving and hoping. Lets see if its meant to be. I hope she knows how hard all of this has been for me.
The Girl isn't all that matters, but she's a huge chunk.
I got accepted while I was in Chicago, with The Girl, in a hotel room. It was amazing. I made it. My dream that I had carried on my back since 19 years young had finally been achieved. But; I saw her face. that was it, and I knew. I couldn't leave this woman. I just couldn't. When we started dating, I thought to myself: "Self: she's the exact same age as your last, you know what happened. She went all existential on you and left your sorry ass just as you were thinking she was it."
So I was cautious with The Girl. She couldn't get to me. Her minor peculiarities intrigued me but I also used them to keep her at bay. I loved her but I tried to be wary of the 'crisis' impending. When I saw that face when I told her I got accepted to Belgium, I knew. I knew that I never kept her at bay, that she was me and I was her. It was there that I knew that I couldn't leave her without being forced to do so. Thus, I said that I "couldn't get a Visa in time" (a bit of a stretch, Belgium, after all, is not China and I got a Visa to China within two weeks. Whatever.) and had to defer so I could be with her. I didn't tell her this, but I knew. I also knew that it gave me time to check out other schools, which is what I was doing while I was waiting on the word from Belgium (I know the time thing is tricky here so let me refresh: I was in Chicago, while I was there I was looking at other schools assuming that I wouldn't get into Belgium which had delayed my acceptance for lots of strange occurrences, so while I was checking out Chicago schools I got accepted to Belgium. There, caught up?). I found a great school in Chi-town, Loyola, that basically had all that I wanted except Lieven and the prestige that followed. Can you guess what I'm waiting on now?
Loyola said that their decision would be made late Feb and that I'd know either later Feb or early March, and I'm waiting. This decision is killing me. Its literally the decider between a life without The Girl or the possibility of life with her. If I go to Loyola, I'm not sure that we'll be back together. I know that things are too fickle for that, but it gives me an in. And all I need is an in. I love her, I'll get her, and if I don't then something greater will come along. But I cannot do life without trying. If I go to Belgium, I'll be happy. Life will be sweet. Nectar will rush from my nipples. But, I need The Girl.
Have you ever done something purely for the hope of Love? Not love, but Love? The grand ideal. This is my pure push into faith, hope and love. This woman guides my sun. She brings across the stars of my universe. How could I NOT give Chicago the chance? Now, if it doesn't work out, I'll have a great life with Chicago. I know Loyola is a great school and that I can become something in Chi-town. But I know even more than that, any greater success I get from Belgium outside of The Girl will be haunted with a great What If.
Now, all I need is Loyola to tell me that I can study at their institution. I'm dyslexic. My grades are good but flawed b/c of it (Science and Lang's in undergrad bring me down, as well as my GRE scores). You put me in an interview and I'd kill. On paper, less so. I need God to help me here. I've been praying, fasting, loving and hoping. Lets see if its meant to be. I hope she knows how hard all of this has been for me.
The Girl isn't all that matters, but she's a huge chunk.
Last Night...
I'm awash in a sea of pussy, and I want a life boat.
Last night my bud Jimmy, whose girl is in Ibiza of all places, decides to take me out. We go to a nice warm up bar and then head over to G' Lounge, which is the most expensive loitering spot I've ever seen. 'People' pay 20 dollars just to stand here. We knew people so we got in for 10, and the drinks weren't horribly over priced (a well drink, like a Tom Collins, costs 10) and the talent was pretty fetching. So on any other night I could see why a man would pay such an extraordinary amount of money to stand next to loud speakers: women. But this wasn't any ordinary night for me. This was a night where you couldn't really have any fun because your mind was elsewhere.
Back up a bit, tonight I got three interesting messages. One from an old flame who mentioned that its been 5 years since we've seen each other. Imagine that. Inevitably you know where this is heading: after a 15 minutes of chit chat we decided to lock it down: she'll be spending a weekend here sometime in the relative future. Second interesting message came from a woman I barely know. It was in the form of a mms. It was her naked body on my blackberry. Woohoo? And the other interesting message was from The Girl. She said she just got my message from 8 hrs ago b/c she was in her studio and she knows Jimmy so we had a bit of a three way text convo. Turns out she's coming down (possibly) in the middle of March. Now you can see why the other girls get a nonplussed reaction. As happy as I am to be able to see her, I'm caught a bit off guard that she picked now, talking essentially to Jimmy, to bring up that she's coming. But then again, why not? Its a good way to diffuse things.
I'm awash in a sea of pussy and I want a life boat.
I have this problem with picking up women. Sometimes I can be too good at it and it gets me in trouble. I'm essentially throwing women down this big void inside me at the moment hoping that one can stem the tide. I need a damn, I need a dike (hopefully you get the pun). For Valentine's day I had 7 dates in 7 days and well, 2 surprise visits which you technically can't call dates. No, I didn't fuck them all, and no this isn't some type of bragging thing. I'm just picking up girls because I think she's picking up men. I'm incappable of leaving the opposite sex alone because I don't want to be alone. Now these girls were of good quality, but nothing stands up to the hyper-idealized picture of The Girl. Now do they?
Last night I pulled a classic move. We were walking away from the bar after we bought our drinks and I notice this girl wearing a colorful dress. Women, sadly, don't wear much color anymore in the evening. In the club it was all black or shiny silver. So as we walk past her friends I stop. "I'm sorry but I must interrupt for a second, my dear, that is a bitchin' dress you're wearing. And you wear it well. I felt like it needed to be said. I hope that you all have a lovely evening." And then I walk away. You see, you have to lay a foundation with some women. I don't have a bank account the size of center city and I don't have muscles on top of muscles so you have to be inventive. What I did here was give her validation for her outfit choice, made her and her friends blush, gave them a story for the cab ride, and, most importantly, around 1 o'clock, an in for a conversation. It worked. Got her digits.
But see, thats the problem. I didn't really want them. I didn't want to see Elise's tits on my phone tonight either. I just want my life to either move forward with The Girl, or to move on. But I can't. I'm in suspended animation right now. This woman, this beautiful woman. Has me. and no bitchin' dress in the world is going to change that. Yet.
Last night my bud Jimmy, whose girl is in Ibiza of all places, decides to take me out. We go to a nice warm up bar and then head over to G' Lounge, which is the most expensive loitering spot I've ever seen. 'People' pay 20 dollars just to stand here. We knew people so we got in for 10, and the drinks weren't horribly over priced (a well drink, like a Tom Collins, costs 10) and the talent was pretty fetching. So on any other night I could see why a man would pay such an extraordinary amount of money to stand next to loud speakers: women. But this wasn't any ordinary night for me. This was a night where you couldn't really have any fun because your mind was elsewhere.
Back up a bit, tonight I got three interesting messages. One from an old flame who mentioned that its been 5 years since we've seen each other. Imagine that. Inevitably you know where this is heading: after a 15 minutes of chit chat we decided to lock it down: she'll be spending a weekend here sometime in the relative future. Second interesting message came from a woman I barely know. It was in the form of a mms. It was her naked body on my blackberry. Woohoo? And the other interesting message was from The Girl. She said she just got my message from 8 hrs ago b/c she was in her studio and she knows Jimmy so we had a bit of a three way text convo. Turns out she's coming down (possibly) in the middle of March. Now you can see why the other girls get a nonplussed reaction. As happy as I am to be able to see her, I'm caught a bit off guard that she picked now, talking essentially to Jimmy, to bring up that she's coming. But then again, why not? Its a good way to diffuse things.
I'm awash in a sea of pussy and I want a life boat.
I have this problem with picking up women. Sometimes I can be too good at it and it gets me in trouble. I'm essentially throwing women down this big void inside me at the moment hoping that one can stem the tide. I need a damn, I need a dike (hopefully you get the pun). For Valentine's day I had 7 dates in 7 days and well, 2 surprise visits which you technically can't call dates. No, I didn't fuck them all, and no this isn't some type of bragging thing. I'm just picking up girls because I think she's picking up men. I'm incappable of leaving the opposite sex alone because I don't want to be alone. Now these girls were of good quality, but nothing stands up to the hyper-idealized picture of The Girl. Now do they?
Last night I pulled a classic move. We were walking away from the bar after we bought our drinks and I notice this girl wearing a colorful dress. Women, sadly, don't wear much color anymore in the evening. In the club it was all black or shiny silver. So as we walk past her friends I stop. "I'm sorry but I must interrupt for a second, my dear, that is a bitchin' dress you're wearing. And you wear it well. I felt like it needed to be said. I hope that you all have a lovely evening." And then I walk away. You see, you have to lay a foundation with some women. I don't have a bank account the size of center city and I don't have muscles on top of muscles so you have to be inventive. What I did here was give her validation for her outfit choice, made her and her friends blush, gave them a story for the cab ride, and, most importantly, around 1 o'clock, an in for a conversation. It worked. Got her digits.
But see, thats the problem. I didn't really want them. I didn't want to see Elise's tits on my phone tonight either. I just want my life to either move forward with The Girl, or to move on. But I can't. I'm in suspended animation right now. This woman, this beautiful woman. Has me. and no bitchin' dress in the world is going to change that. Yet.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
So what is this about?
I'm all over the place lately. Its intriguing, my life. I'm quite a success in several ways. Honestly, I am! And I'm not bragging, I had several goals and in my 27 young years I've accomplished them or am on the right track to accomplishing them. I went out, got into my top school, got a masters, have taught for two years, and will leave for my PhD next fall. Life is good.
But...
There is this woman. There is always this woman. I lost her because, well, not sure why to be honest. I think she went down the rabbit hole or something. We talk, we dance around the issue. We may get back together. We'll have to see. But who knows. This won't be some melodramatic blog, but I may hit on that issue from time to time.
Another But...
I've gotta figure some shit out concerning schools. I'm waiting to hear back from one school in Chicago, and I've been accepted to a school in Belgium. Awesome! Right? Well, yes and no. To understand it a bit, you have realize, the girl, she's from Chicago. And... that changes things. Go to Chicago, could win the girl. Go to Belgium, new life. Go to hell.
But...
There is this woman. There is always this woman. I lost her because, well, not sure why to be honest. I think she went down the rabbit hole or something. We talk, we dance around the issue. We may get back together. We'll have to see. But who knows. This won't be some melodramatic blog, but I may hit on that issue from time to time.
Another But...
I've gotta figure some shit out concerning schools. I'm waiting to hear back from one school in Chicago, and I've been accepted to a school in Belgium. Awesome! Right? Well, yes and no. To understand it a bit, you have realize, the girl, she's from Chicago. And... that changes things. Go to Chicago, could win the girl. Go to Belgium, new life. Go to hell.
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